Confession

Lately I have a new motto. Well not so much a motto but more I have a new view on life. And that is to accept the things I cannot change (Bible cited). Not only to accept them, but embrace them. So for my first embrace, and probably my biggest embrace, please read an email I sent to a group of family & friends about a month ago:

June 17th, 2012

I’ve decided to write this because I know I could never get this out otherwise. The past couple days have been filled with new challenges for me, and after talking things out with my friend, she thought letting people know how I feel and what I want will help in the long run. I’m not sure which people I will give this to and how I will distribute it but I’ll worry about that later. For now, I just need to get my emotions out and be honest.

On March 27th, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. 

Even just typing that hits me hard. It is unreal for me to say and to live with it. But in the past 48 hours I have come to realize it’s true. And I know everything that has happened recently was put in place so that I can start to live with this.

To back track, in March 2009 I had my first seizure. It was 3 months before my wedding on a Monday morning while I was in the shower. When it happens, I never have memory of it but I remember how I felt before, and I remember the pieces of memories I had after. This time, Marc found me as it was happening. He woke up because of the loud noise I made falling through the glass shower door and hitting our tile floor. At the hospital he told the doctors I was convulsing when he found me but I dismissed it…and I think so did the doctors. Tests were run and in the end it was brushed off as “just one of those things”.

Fast forward to March 2012. I had been feeling sick for a couple weeks. Super nauseous throughout the day and by night it would get worse. I just ignored it though and figured I had some weird bug that would go away in time. On Thursday, March 8^th, I got home from work and the nausea was the worst it had been. By 8pm I was throwing up. I knew my body wasn’t right but I didn’t know the severity of what was taking place. Around 10:30pm I went to throw up some more and that’s when my body shut down. Marc found me after the first time. He was in the living room when he heard the toilet seat slam and then a loud thud. When he entered the bathroom I was convulsing on the floor. I came to and I remember telling him I was ok and that I just wanted to sleep. He helped me stand up and that’s the 2^nd time that night I seized. When I woke up from that one I had to go to the bathroom so I had him move me to the toilet. As I was sitting there, that was the 3^rd time I seized. I fell into Marc’s arms and that’s when he decided he wasn’t listening to me anymore. He drove me to the ER (next door to our community) and when we arrived I was immediately taken to a room. My blood pressure was 59/39, my white blood cell count was 24 (normally 4), and I was dehydrated to a dangerous level. I was admitted to the hospital, stayed there for 3 days, and had several tests run. I remember Friday night, probably around 1am, there was a nurse who came to check on me. She and I ended up talking for a while and she told me I had to figure out why I kept passing out. She said I now had a child depending on me and I need to think about more people than just myself. I will never forget her or our talk. 

Two weeks later I followed up with my family practioner. That’s when he dropped the bombshell. Never in my life had the thought even entered my mind that 1.) I had a seizure and 2.) I have epilepsy. I was referred to a Neurologist, had a handful of tests run, and in the end the diagnosed remained.

I’m supposed to be on medication. However, at this time, I am choosing not to take the medication until after we complete our family (it heightens the risk of birth defects). They now refer to my condition as “uncontrolled”.

Over the past few months I haven’t believed any of this to be true. I feel as though the doctors are overreacting, Marc is overreacting, my friends are overreacting. I’ve been fairly dismissive and closed down. That changed Thursday night.

When I got home from work the nausea I had been feeling was heightened. I knew I would probably start throwing up. Marc wasn’t home so I put Bray to sleep and tried to distract myself with TV and relaxing. Around 8:30 it hit me. I went to the bathroom and started throwing up. My eyes went cross and I couldn’t focus. I knew Marc was about 10 minutes from getting home so I was trying to force myself to be ok. I decided to call one of my best friends, Jenny, as she is now a doctor (she has walked me through a lot over the past few months). I told her what was happening and she talked me through everything. I was having a “partial seizure”. Marc got home, I told him what happened, assured him I was ok, and said I just needed to go to bed.

The next day at work was torture. I had a splitting headache, the fatigue I was feeling was indescribable, and I felt totally worn down. After work we went to our friend’s house, where the usual group was hanging out, and I was planning on just laying low. At one point, it came out what had occurred the night before and everyone was pretty upset. They told me I need to call them if Marc isn’t home and I need to stop being so stubborn. They said anything could’ve happened to me, or Bray, and I have to swallow my pride. They said this is serious and I need to start treating it that way.

And they are exactly right. The reality of a seizure disorder hit me last night. It was the combination of having my first seizure since being diagnosed, how crappy I felt the next day, and ending with my friends hitting me with the truth. I crumbled.

Jenny and I talked today and she suggested I get some of this out:  that I tell people how I’m feeling, how I want to be treated, and how to handle me when I start feeling things.

So to my family and friends: I don’t want attention. I don’t want people to worry about me. I don’t want my life to change. I know that I need help now, and I know I have to let people help me. And I will. More and more I understand the seriousness of what I have and I want you to trust me that I will be responsible. If Marc isn’t home, I will call people close by. But when I call, don’t freak out…that will only freak me out which makes my situation worse. If I tell you how I feel and that I know it’s under control, believe me. I am starting to learn my body and learn my symptoms; I have a decent grip on what it will turn into. So when I tell you I know it won’t turn worse, take that as the truth. I know Brayden is involved and I have to think of her, so I am. Trust me when I tell you I would never be too proud if it means her safety. I will be honest with you if you can accept my words.

Each one of you that is reading this is important in my life. And each one of you may be in a situation where I need you. When that happens, let me lead and be in control. If you promise me you won’t freak out, or treat me different, I promise you I will be honest.

Until I start on my medication I will be somewhat of a risk. But I’m aware of that and I’m aware I will need each of you during this time. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for loving me. 


End Email


That was about a month ago and every day I get a little more comfortable. Every day I think, "it's not that bad. There is a lot worse out there." And every day I tell myself I have to stop hiding it. Another step in embracing happened tonight: I ordered a medical alert bracelet. I'm "uncontrolled" right now so I'm likely to have another seizure. Like I said in my email, this isn't about me anymore. This is about my family and for them I need to put my pride aside and stay safe. The next time you see me take a look at my sexy new bracelet and smile. Because it means I'm embracing :)